# Tuesday, 29 March 2011

Subject: FW: TWO COFFEES

Two Coffees

Having arrived at the Gates of Heaven, Barrack Obama meets a man with a beard.  'Are you Mohammed?' he asks.  'No my son, I am St. Peter; Mohammed is higher up.'  Peter then points to a ladder that rises into the clouds .

Delighted that Mohammed should be higher than St. Peter, Obama climbs the ladder in great strides, climbs up through the clouds and comes into a room where he meets another bearded man.  He asks again, 'Are you Mohammed?' 'Why no he answers, I am Moses; Mohammed is higher still .'

Exhausted, but with a heart full of joy he climbs the ladder yet again, he discovers a larger room where he meets an angelic looking man with a beard.  Full of hope, he asks again, 'Are you Mohammed?'    'No, I am Jesus, the Christ...you will find Mohammed higher up. '

Mohammed higher than Jesus!  Man, oh man!  Obama can hardly contain his delight and climbs and climbs ever higher.  Once again, he reaches an even larger room where he meets this truly magnificent looking man with a silver white beard and once again repeats his question:

"Are you Mohammed?" he gasps as he is by now, totally out of breath from all his climbing.  'No, my son.... I am Almighty God, the Alpha and the Omega, but you look exhausted.  Would you like a cup of coffee?"

Obama says, “Yes please”!  As God looks behind him, he claps his hands and yells out: "Hey Mohammed-two coffees!""

Keep your trust in God...your president is an idiot………

god | jesus | joke | muslim
Tuesday, 29 March 2011 08:16:17 (Central Standard Time, UTC-06:00)  #    Disclaimer  |  Comments [0]  | 
# Friday, 25 March 2011

Subject: FW: NEW PISTOL FROM RUGER--Commemorative Issue

Ruger is coming out with a new pistol in honor of Obama. It will be named the “Union Worker”. 

It doesn’t work and you can’t fire it !

joke | Ruger | union
Friday, 25 March 2011 05:45:03 (Central Standard Time, UTC-06:00)  #    Disclaimer  |  Comments [0]  | 
# Friday, 11 March 2011

Subject: FW: DEMOCRAT INBREEDING

DEMOCRATIC INBREEDING

 

John Kerry + Barrack Obama = 'Golden Voice' Ted Williams

Now that is funny!

 

Friday, 11 March 2011 20:24:28 (Central Standard Time, UTC-06:00)  #    Disclaimer  |  Comments [0]  | 
# Thursday, 24 February 2011

Subject: FW: Racism in America

 

I feel sorry for Obama because he's still got to fight the innate racism of Americans.  I mean, did you see his first speech, when he got made President and they put all that bullet proof glass up in front of him?  I think that shows you how racist America still is.  Just because he's black doesn't mean he's going to shoot anybody.
Frankie Boyle

Thursday, 24 February 2011 06:54:42 (Central Standard Time, UTC-06:00)  #    Disclaimer  |  Comments [0]  | 
# Monday, 10 January 2011

Subject: FW: Jeff just has a way with words

This is straight forward country thinking................................... 

Jeff Foxworthy on Muslims : 

  
1.    You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to liquor. 
You may be a Muslim 
  
2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.  
     You may be a Muslim 
  
3. You have more wives than teeth.  
     You may be a Muslim 
  
4. You wipe your butt with your bare hand, but consider bacon unclean.  
     You may be a Muslim 
  
5. You think vests come in two styles : bullet-proof and suicide.   
     You may be a Muslim 
  
6. You can't think of anyone you haven't declared Jihad against. 
     You may be a Muslim 
  
7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.   
     You may be a Muslim 
  
8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.  
     You may be a Muslim 
  
9. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least four.   
     You may be a Muslim 
  
10. Your cousin is president of the United States .  
       You may be a Muslim 
  
11. You find this offensive or racist and don't forward it. 
      You may be a Muslim

Monday, 10 January 2011 08:16:05 (Central Standard Time, UTC-06:00)  #    Disclaimer  |  Comments [0]  | 
# Friday, 07 January 2011

Subject: FW: Dear Abby

 

Dear Abby

My husband has a long record of money problems.  He runs up huge credit-card bills and at the end of the month, if I try to pay them off, he shouts at me, saying I am stealing his money.

He says pay the minimum and let our kids worry about the rest, but already we can hardly keep up with the interest.

Also he has been so arrogant and abusive toward our neighbors that most of them no longer speak to us. The few that do are an odd bunch, to whom he has been giving a lot of expensive gifts, running up our bills even more.

Also, he has gotten religious.  One week he hangs out with Catholics and the next with people who say the Pope is the Anti-Christ, and the next he's with Muslims.

Finally, the last straw. He's demanding that before anyone can be in the same room with him, they must sign a loyalty oath. It's just so horribly creepy!  Can you help?

Signed, Lost in DC

Dear Lost:

Stop whining, Michelle. You can divorce the jerk any time you want.  The rest of us are stuck with him for two more years!

Friday, 07 January 2011 08:14:18 (Central Standard Time, UTC-06:00)  #    Disclaimer  |  Comments [0]  | 
# Monday, 22 November 2010

Subject: FW: Laugh OUT LOUD

An airplane was about to crash; there were 5 passengers on board, but only 4 parachutes.

The first passenger said, "I am President Obama, the chosen one. The world needs me, I can't afford to die." So he took the first parachute and left the plane.

The second passenger, Julia Gillard, said, "I am the prime Minister of 
Australia and I am the smartest woman in Austarlian history, so Australia's people don't want me to die." She took the second parachute and jumped out of the plane.

The third passenger, John Kerry, said, "I'm a Senator, and a decorated war hero from the Army of the 
United States of America."  So he grabbed the parachute next to him and jumped.

The fourth passenger, ex-President George W Bush, said to the fifth passenger, a 10-year-old schoolgirl, "I have lived a full life, and served my country the best I could. I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute."

The little girl said, "That's okay, Mr President. There's a parachute left for you. The chosen one took my schoolbag." 

Monday, 22 November 2010 06:52:02 (Central Standard Time, UTC-06:00)  #    Disclaimer  |  Comments [0]  | 
# Wednesday, 03 November 2010

Subject: FW: ObamaNation


Joe Biden: Is it true you want to replace me with Hillary for 2012?
Barack Obama: Nonsense, Joe!  She's the exact opposite of you.  I'd never go for someone like that.
Joe Biden: What do you mean?
Barack Obama: You make me look good by comparison and no one would risk getting rid of me with you there.
Joe Biden: Thanks, Barry!  That's the nicest thing anyone ever...  Hey, wait a second!

 

 

biden | cartoon | joke
Wednesday, 03 November 2010 05:58:21 (Central Standard Time, UTC-06:00)  #    Disclaimer  |  Comments [0]  | 
# Tuesday, 02 November 2010

Subject: FW: Psalm 2010

PSALM 2010

Obama is the shepherd I did not want. 
He leadeth me beside the still factories.


He restoreth my faith in the Republican party
He guideth me in the path of unemployment for his party's sake.

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the bread line, 
I shall fear no hunger, for his bailouts are with me.

He has anointed my income with taxes, 
My expenses runneth over.

Surely, poverty and hard living will follow me all the days of my life, 
And I will live in a mortgaged home forever.

I am glad I am American, 
I am glad that I am free,

But I wish I was a dog,
And Obama was a tree!

~Author Unknown

 

The reason Politicians try so hard to get re-elected

is that they would 'hate' to have to make a living

under the laws they've passed. 

joke | picture | taxes
Tuesday, 02 November 2010 05:53:51 (Central Standard Time, UTC-06:00)  #    Disclaimer  |  Comments [0]  | 
# Thursday, 07 October 2010

Subject: FW: Top Secret Air Force One project

Air Force General :  

Mr. President, we've just invented an invisibility cloak for Air Force One.

Air Force One is now invisible insuring

your security in the face of growing hostility. 


Obama 
:  

No  S***? 

General

:  

That's right, sir.

Will you be going along on its maiden flight?


  

Obama 
:  

Wouldn't miss this it for the world.


  

General 
:  

Have a good trip, sir.

 

Thursday, 07 October 2010 06:50:04 (Central Daylight Time, UTC-05:00)  #    Disclaimer  |  Comments [0]  | 
# Friday, 09 July 2010

Subject: FW: Obama meets Johnny

Barack Obama was visiting a primary school and he visited one of the class. They were in the middle of a discussion  related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked the president  if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'tragedy.' So our  illustrious president asked the class for an example of a  'tragedy.'

One little boy stood up and offered: 'If my best  friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs  over him and kills him, that would be a tragedy.'

'No,'  said Obama, 'that would be an accident.'

A little girl raised  her hand: 'If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff,  killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy.' 'I'm afraid  not,' explained Obama. 'That's what we would call  great loss.'  The room went silent. No other children  volunteered. Obama searchedthe room. 'Isn't there someone here who can  give me an example of a tragedy?'

Finally at the back of  the room, Little Johnny raised his hand. In a quiet voice he said: 'If  the plane carrying you and Mrs. Obama was struck by a 'friendly fire'  missile and blown to smithereens that would be a  tragedy.'

'Fantastic!' exclaimed Obama. 'That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?'

'Well,? says Johnny, 'It has to be a tragedy, because it sure as hell wouldn't be a great loss...... and you can bet your ASS it's probably not an accident either.

 

Friday, 09 July 2010 06:51:18 (Central Daylight Time, UTC-05:00)  #    Disclaimer  |  Comments [0]  | 
# Tuesday, 22 June 2010

Subject: FW: Just plug the damn hole!

The sooner the better.

YEP THAT SHOULD DO IT

 

Obama pacifier

Tuesday, 22 June 2010 07:42:17 (Central Daylight Time, UTC-05:00)  #    Disclaimer  |  Comments [0]  | 
# Friday, 18 June 2010

Subject: FW: True!

This is the truth if I ever heard it!!!!!!!!!!!!

Barack Obama got out of the shower and was drying off when he looked in the mirror and noticed that he was white from the neck to the top of his head.

In a sheer panic and fearing he was turning white all over, he called his doctor and told him what had happened.  The doctor advised him to come to his office immediately.

After an examination, the doctor mixed a concoction of brown liquid, gave it to Barack, and told him to drink it all.

Barack drank the concoction and said  "That tasted like bullshit!"

"It was", the doctor replied, "You were a quart low."

 

Friday, 18 June 2010 06:46:45 (Central Daylight Time, UTC-05:00)  #    Disclaimer  |  Comments [0]  | 
# Thursday, 17 June 2010

Subject: FW: Taliban


Some interesting observations on the Taliban by that great American philosopher, Jeff Foxworthy. 

 

 

"YOU MAY BE A TALIBAN IF..."
 
 1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to liquor.
 
 2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.
 
 3. You have more wives than teeth.
 
 4. You wipe your butt with your bare hand, but consider bacon "unclean."
 
 5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.
 
 6. You can't think of anyone you haven't declared Jihad against.
 
 7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.
 
 8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.
 
 9. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least four.
 
 10. You've always had a crush on your neighbor's goat.
 
 11. Your cousin is president of the United States

Thursday, 17 June 2010 11:01:44 (Central Daylight Time, UTC-05:00)  #    Disclaimer  |  Comments [0]  | 
# Tuesday, 08 June 2010

Subject: FW: Spelling lesson

A short spelling lesson:
 
1.    The last four letters in "American" = I Can
2.    The last four letters in "Republican" = I Can
3.    The last four letters in "Democrats" = Rats
End of Lesson.
 

Test to follow in November. 
November will be set aside as rodent extermination month.

Tuesday, 08 June 2010 06:43:04 (Central Daylight Time, UTC-05:00)  #    Disclaimer  |  Comments [0]  | 
# Thursday, 27 May 2010

Subject: FW: Finally Something Useful

 First came the commemorative coins, then the T-shirts, and then the plates!


   Now, something for the rest of us...


   Use Sparingly...I find it irritates my ass!!!!

Barack Obama Toilet Paper

 

Thursday, 27 May 2010 06:39:14 (Central Daylight Time, UTC-05:00)  #    Disclaimer  |  Comments [0]  | 
# Tuesday, 11 May 2010

Subject: FW: Vassectomies

Two men are in the doctor's office waiting to get vasectomies. 

A nurse comes in and asks the men to strip and put on their medical gowns while they wait for the doctor.
 
A few minutes later she comes back, reaches under one man's gown and begins to masturbate him.
 

Shocked, he asks, "What the hell are you doing?  
 

To which she replies, "We have to vacate the sperm from your system   to have a clean procedure."
 
Not wanting to cause a problem, the man relaxes and enjoys it as she completes her task.
 
The second man watches all of this and by the time the nurse turns to him, he is quite ready for his turn.
 
To his surprise, she drops to her knees, opens her lips and begins to give him a blow job.

The first man, surprised too, asks, "Hey, what is this? Why is it that I get a hand job and he gets blow job?"

The nurse says, "That, my dear sir, is the difference between Obama care and private insurance.."
 

Tuesday, 11 May 2010 04:36:03 (Central Daylight Time, UTC-05:00)  #    Disclaimer  |  Comments [0]  | 
# Monday, 10 May 2010

Subject: FW: January 2013

JANUARY 2013

One sunny day in January, 2013 an old man   approached the White House from  across Pennsylvania Avenue , where he'd been sitting on a park bench.  He spoke to the U.S. Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet with President Obama." The Marine looked at the man and said, "Sir, Mr. Obama is no longer president and no longer resides here." 

The old man said, "Okay", and walked away.
 
The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President Obama."  The Marine again told the man, "Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Obama is no longer president and no longer resides here." 

The man thanked him and, again, just walked away.
 
The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same U.S. Marine, saying "I would like to go in and meet with President Obama." The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Obama. I've told you already that Mr. Obama is no longer the president and no longer resides here. Don't you understand?"

The old man looked at the Marine and said, "Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it."

The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, "See you tomorrow, sir."

 

joke | marine
Monday, 10 May 2010 06:43:43 (Central Daylight Time, UTC-05:00)  #    Disclaimer  |  Comments [0]  | 
# Thursday, 06 May 2010

Subject: FW: Information about Gonorrhea Lectim

Information about Gonorrhea Lectim 

The Center for Disease Control has issued a warning about a new virulent strain of this old disease. The disease is called Gonorrhea Lectim. It's pronounced "Gonna re-elect 'em,"  and it is a terrible obamanation.

The disease is contracted through dangerous and high risk behavior involving putting your cranium up your rectum. Many victims contracted it in 2008...but now most people, after having been infected for the past 1-2 years, are starting to realize how destructive this sickness is. 

It's sad because Gonorrhea Lectim is easily cured with a new drug just coming on the market called Votemout. You take the first dose in 2010 and the second dose in 2012 and simply don't engage in such behavior again;  otherwise, it could become permanent and eventually wipe out all life as we know it. 

Several states are already on top of this, like Virginia and New Jersey , and apparently now Massachusetts , with many more seeing the writing on the wall. 
 

Thursday, 06 May 2010 06:55:24 (Central Daylight Time, UTC-05:00)  #    Disclaimer  |  Comments [0]  | 
# Tuesday, 04 May 2010

Subject: FW: When O died

When Obama died, George Washington met him at the Pearly Gates. He slapped him across the face and yelled, "How dare you try to destroy the nation I helped conceive?"

Patrick Henry approached, punched him in the nose and shouted, "You wanted to end our liberties but you failed."

James Madison followed, kicked him in the groin and said, "This is why I allowed our government to provide for the common defense!"

Thomas Jefferson was next, beat Obama with a long cane and snarled, "It was evil men like you who inspired me to write the Declaration of Independence."

The beatings and thrashings continued as George Mason, James Monroe and 66 other early Americans unleashed their anger on the radical, socialist, leader.

As Obama lay bleeding and in pain, an Angel appeared. Obama wept and said, "This is not what you promised me."

The Angel replied, "I told you there would be 72 VIRGINIANS waiting for you in Heaven. What did you think I said"....."You really need to listen when someone is trying to tell you something!"

Tuesday, 04 May 2010 06:41:23 (Central Daylight Time, UTC-05:00)  #    Disclaimer  |  Comments [0]  | 
# Friday, 09 April 2010

Subject: FW: Lost Wallet

A guy traveling through Mexico on vacation lost his wallet and all of his identification. 
  
Cutting his trip short, he attempted to make his way home but was stopped by the U.S. Customs Agent at the border. 

"May I see your identification, please?" asked the agent.

"I'm sorry, but I lost my wallet," replied the guy. 

"Sure buddy, I hear that every day. No ID, no entry," said the agent. 

"But I can prove I'm an American!" he exclaimed. 
  
"I have a picture of Ronald Reagan tattooed on one side of my butt and George Bush on the other." 
 "This I gotta see," replied the agent. 

 With that, the guy dropped his pants and showed the agent his behind. 
  
"By golly, you're right!" exclaimed the agent. 
  
"Have a safe trip back to Chicago."
Thanks!" he said. 
"But how did you know I was from Chicago?" 
 The agent replied, 
"I recognized Obama in the middle." 

Friday, 09 April 2010 06:38:51 (Central Daylight Time, UTC-05:00)  #    Disclaimer  |  Comments [0]  | 
# Tuesday, 06 April 2010

Subject: FW: "The Clocks"

A man died  and went to heaven. 
 
As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates,  he saw a huge wall of clocks.  
 
The man asked,  "What are all those clocks?" St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks.  Everyone on earth has a lie-clock.  Each time you tell a lie, the hands on your clock will move."                                  
 
"Oh," said the man, "whose clock  is that?"
 
St. Peter responded,  "That's Mother Teresa's clock.  The hands have never moved, indicating that she  never told a lie."  
 
That's  incredible," said the man.  "And whose  clock is that?"  St. Peter responded,  "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock.  The hands  have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only  two lies in his life."


"Where's Obama's  clock?" asked the man.  
 
"Obama's  clock is in Jesus' office.  He's using it as a ceiling fan."

 

joke | jesus
Tuesday, 06 April 2010 07:20:29 (Central Daylight Time, UTC-05:00)  #    Disclaimer  |  Comments [0]  | 
# Thursday, 01 April 2010

Subject: FW: Oops

Barack Obama got out of the shower and was drying off when he looked
in the mirror and noticed that he was white from the neck to the top of his head.

In a sheer panic and fearing he was turning white all over, he called his doctor and told him what had happened.


The doctor advised him to come to his office immediately.
After an examination, the doctor mixed a concoction of brown liquid,gave it to Barack, and told him to drink it all.

Barack drank the concoction and said,"That tasted like bullshit!"

"It was." the doctor replied, "You were a quart low."

Thursday, 01 April 2010 18:53:50 (Central Standard Time, UTC-06:00)  #    Disclaimer  |  Comments [0]  | 
# Thursday, 25 March 2010

Subject: FW: MY NEW TRUCK

MY NEW TRUCK

 

I bought a new Chevy Avalanche and returned to the dealer yesterday because I couldn't get the radio to work.


The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated.


'Nelson,' the salesman said to the radio. The radio replied, 'Ricky or Willie?'

'Willie!' he continued and 'On The Road Again' came from the speakers.


Then he said, 'Ray Charles!', and in an instant
' Georgia On My Mind' replaced Willie Nelson. I drove away happy, and for the next few days, every time I'd say, 'Beethoven,'I'd get beautiful classical music, and if I said,  'Beatles,' I'd get one of their awesome songs.

 

Yesterday, some guy ran a red light and nearly creamed my new truck, but I swerved in time to avoid him.

I yelled, 'Ass Hole!'


Immediately the radio responded with,
"Ladies and gentlemen, the President of the United States, Barack Hussein Obama

Damn I love this truck...

Thursday, 25 March 2010 07:21:05 (Central Standard Time, UTC-06:00)  #    Disclaimer  |  Comments [0]  | 
# Tuesday, 23 March 2010

Subject: FW: Last Night's sting

Late Night

Obama Bashing
 
The liberals are asking us to give Obama time. We agree and think 25 to life would be appropriate.
 
America needs Obama-care like Nancy Pelosi needs a Halloween mask.  
--- Jay Leno

Q: Have you heard about McDonald's' new Obama Value Meal?
A: Order anything you like and the guy behind you has to pay for it.  

--- Conan O'Brien

Q: What does Barack Obama call lunch with a convicted felon?
A: A fund raiser.  

--- Jay Leno

Q: What's the difference between Obama's cabinet and a penitentiary?
A: One is filled with tax evaders, blackmailers and threats to society. 

The other is for housing prisoners.  

--- David Letterman

Q: If Nancy Pelosi and Obama were on a boat in the middle of the ocean
and it started to sink, who would be saved?
A:  America !   

--- Jimmy Fallon

Q: What's the difference between Obama and his dog, Bo?
A: Bo has papers.  

--- Jimmy Kimmel

Q: What was the most positive result of the "Cash for clunkers" program?
A: It took 95% of the Obama bumper stickers off the road.  

--- David Letterman

Tuesday, 23 March 2010 08:35:32 (Central Standard Time, UTC-06:00)  #    Disclaimer  |  Comments [0]  | 
# Friday, 26 February 2010

Subject: FW: Pearly Gates

Al Gore, Bill Clinton and Barack Obama all go to heaven...

  God addresses Al first..  ''Al, what do you believe in?'' (besides global warming)

Al replies: "Well, I believe that I won that election,  but that it was your will that I did not serve.  I've come to understand that now.''

  God thinks for a second and says:  "Very good. Come and sit at my left.''

  God then addresses Bill.  "Bill, what do you believe in?'' (besides staining blue dresses)
 

Bill replies:  "I believe in forgiveness.  I know I've sinned, but I've never held a  grudge against my fellow man  and I hope no grudges are held against me.'' 

  God thinks for a second and says:  "You are forgiven, my son. Come and sit at my right.''

Then God addresses Barack.  "Barack, what do you believe in?'' (besides yourself)

He replies:  "I believe you're in my chair."

Friday, 26 February 2010 06:55:40 (Central Standard Time, UTC-06:00)  #    Disclaimer  |  Comments [0]  | 
# Tuesday, 16 February 2010

Subject: FW: Bush to be honored by the Obama Administration

In a reconciliatory move by the Obama administration, the president
has asked the U. S. Board on Geographical Names to name the fault line
beneath Haiti after the 43rd president of the United States, George W.Bush.

This particular fracture in the tectonic plate will henceforth be called "Bush's Fault."


Tuesday, 16 February 2010 07:17:21 (Central Standard Time, UTC-06:00)  #    Disclaimer  |  Comments [0]  | 
# Tuesday, 09 February 2010

Subject: FW: Cash for Clunkers?

QUESTION?:

What was the most positive  result of the "Cash for Clunkers" program?



ANSWER:

It took 95% of the Obama  bumper stickers off the road.

Tuesday, 09 February 2010 06:56:38 (Central Standard Time, UTC-06:00)  #    Disclaimer  |  Comments [0]  | 

Subject: FW: Police Do Care

The Corpus Christi, Texas Police Department reports finding a man's body in the Nueces River near Labonte   Park . The dead man's name will
not be released until his family has been notified. The victim apparently drowned due to  excessive beer consumption.

He was wearing black fishnet stockings, a red garter belt, a pink g-string, a strap-on dildo, purple lipstick and an "Obama for President in 2008" t-shirt.  He also had a cucumber in his rectum.

The police removed the Obama t-shirt to spare his family any unnecessary embarrassment.
 
In spite of what we sometimes think, the Police do care.

joke | police
Tuesday, 09 February 2010 06:55:32 (Central Standard Time, UTC-06:00)  #    Disclaimer  |  Comments [0]  | 

Subject: FW: THE COWBOY/BARACK HUSSEIN OBAMA

When  I received this email and opened it , I started beating the screen thinking these things had got in my monitor.

 

A cowboy from Texas attends a social function where Barack Obama is trying to gather support for his Health Plan.  Once he discovers the cowboy is from President Bush's home area, he starts to belittle him by talking in a southern drawl and single syllable words.

As he was doing that, he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head. The cowboy says, "Y'all havin' some problem with them circle flies?"

Obama stopped talking and said, "Well, yes, if that's what they're called, but I've never heard of circle flies."

"Well, sir," the cowboy replies, "Circle flies hang around ranches. They're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."

"Oh," Obama replies as he goes back to rambling.

 

But, a moment later he stops and bluntly asks, "Are you calling me a horse's ass?"

 

"No, sir," the cowboy replies, "I have too much respect for the citizens of this country to call their president a horse's ass."

"That's a good thing," Obama responds and begins rambling on once more.

After a long pause, the cowboy, in his best 
Texas  

drawl says, "Hard to fool them flies, though."

joke | flies | cowboy
Tuesday, 09 February 2010 06:46:29 (Central Standard Time, UTC-06:00)  #    Disclaimer  |  Comments [0]  | 
# Thursday, 04 February 2010

Subject: FW: Stamp Malfunction

Stamp Malfunction 

The Postal Services created a stamp with a picture of President Obama on it. The Postal Service noticed that the stamp was not sticking to envelopes. This enraged the President, who demanded a full investigation. After a month of testing and $1.73 million in congressional spending, a special Presidential commission presented the following findings: 

1.The stamp is in perfect order.
2.There is nothing wrong with the glue.

3.
People are spitting on the wrong side.

joke | picture | stamp
Thursday, 04 February 2010 07:15:27 (Central Standard Time, UTC-06:00)  #    Disclaimer  |  Comments [0]  | 
# Wednesday, 27 January 2010

Subject: FW: Dreams Come True!!

Sitting together on a train was Obama, George Bush Jr., a little old lady, and a young blonde girl with large breasts.

The train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the sound of a loud slap..

When the train emerges from the tunnel, Obama has a bright red hand print on his cheek.

No one speaks.


The old lady thinks:
Obama must have groped the blonde in the dark, and she slapped him.


The blonde girl thinks:
Obama must have tried to grope me in the dark, but missed and fondled the old lady and she slapped him.


Obama thinks:
Bush must have groped the blonde in the dark. She tried to slap him but missed and got me instead.


George Bush thinks:
I can't wait for another tunnel, so I can smack Obama again.


 

Wednesday, 27 January 2010 08:41:59 (Central Standard Time, UTC-06:00)  #    Disclaimer  |  Comments [0]  | 
# Monday, 18 January 2010

Subject: FW: Kittens

 

A pretty little girl named Suzy was standing on the sidewalk in front of her home. Next to her was a basket containing a number tiny creatures; in her hand was a sign announcing FREE KITTENS.

Suddenly a line of big black cars pulled up beside her. Out of the lead car stepped a tall, grinning man.

"Hi there, little girl, I'm President Obama. What do you have in the basket?" he asked.

"Kittens," little Suzy said.

"How old are they?" asked Obama.

Suzy replied, "They're so young, their eyes aren't even open yet."

"And what kind of kittens are they?"

"Democrats," answered Suzy with a smile.

Obama was delighted. As soon as he returned to his car, he called his PR chief and told him about the little girl and the kittens.

Recognizing the perfect photo op, the two men agreed that the president should return the next day, and, in front of the assembled media, have the girl talk about her discerning kittens.

So the next day, Suzy was again standing on the sidewalk with her basket of "FREE KITTENS" when another motorcade pulled up, this time followed by vans from ABC, NBC, CBS and CNN.

Cameras and audio equipment were quickly set up, then Obama got out of his limo and walked over to little Suzy.

"Hello, again," he said, "I'd love it if you would tell all my friends out there what kind of kittens you're giving away."

"Yes sir," Suzy said. "They're Republicans."

Taken by surprise, the president stammered, "But... but... yesterday, you told me they were DEMOCRATS."

Little Suzy smiled and said, "I know. But today, they have their eyes open."

Monday, 18 January 2010 06:56:02 (Central Standard Time, UTC-06:00)  #    Disclaimer  |  Comments [0]  | 
# Friday, 15 January 2010

Subject: FW: Obama and the call girl!

Barack Hussein Obama was looking for a call girl.   

He found three such girls in a local pub, a blonde, a brunette and a redhead. 

To the blonde he said,  'I am the President of the United States.  Now how much would it cost me to spend some time with you?' 

 She replied, $200. 

 To the brunette he asked the same question. 
 
 Her reply was $100. 


 He then asked the redhead... 

 Her reply was, 'Mr. President, if you can get my skirt up as high as my taxes,  My pants as low as my wages,  Get that thing of yours as hard as the times we are living in, 
And keep it rising like the price of gas, Keep me warmer than it is in my apartment and  Screw me the way you have retirees, and our Veterans
Then it isn't going to cost you a friggin' damn cent!

Friday, 15 January 2010 11:43:37 (Central Standard Time, UTC-06:00)  #    Disclaimer  |  Comments [0]  | 
# Wednesday, 06 January 2010

Subject: FW: WE DID IT!

I was on my way to invest more money at Home Depot this morning, trying to do my part to stimulate the economy.

 I found myself behind this little rice burner of a car bearing a bumper
 sticker that read;

"We did it!" - "Obama / Biden".

 I managed to pull along side of her at a red light about a half mile
down the road. I beeped my horn and gave her a big thumbs up.

 She rolled down her window and I said, "I love your bumper sticker!

 She heartily thanked me. And I quickly added, "It's really good that you are taking  responsibility for your mistake!"

She gave me the finger and drove off.

 Such a humorless bitch.

 

biden | joke
Wednesday, 06 January 2010 06:56:15 (Central Standard Time, UTC-06:00)  #    Disclaimer  |  Comments [0]  | 

Subject: FW: ---LJ---

Just passing it along...

 

Americans following Obama:

 

Little Johnny is not an Obama fan 

A teacher asked her 6th grade class how many of them were Democrat Party Obama fans.

Not really knowing what an Obama fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raised their hands except for Little Johnny.

The teacher asked Little Johnny why he has decided to be different ... again.
 
Little Johnny said, "Because I'm not an Obama fan."
 
The teacher asked, "Why aren't you a fan of Obama?" Johnny said, "Because I'm a Conservative."
 
The teacher asked him why he's a Conservative.  Little Johnny answered, "Well, my Mom's a Conservative and my Dad's a Conservative, so I'm a Conservative."
 
Annoyed by this answer, the teacher asked, "If your mom were a moron and your dad were an idiot, what would that make you?"
 
With a big smile, Little Johnny replied, "That would make me an Obama fan."


Recess at the Asylum

 

Wednesday, 06 January 2010 06:55:03 (Central Standard Time, UTC-06:00)  #    Disclaimer  |  Comments [0]  | 
# Tuesday, 29 December 2009

Subject: FW: Obama, McCain and Hillary go to Heaven

Obama, McCain and Hillary Die And Go To Heaven

John McCain, Hillary Clinton, and Barack Obama all die and go to heaven. God looks down from his throne and asks McCain, "Do you think you deserve to be in heaven?"

McCain takes a breath and then replies, "Well, I think so because I was a great leader and tried to follow the words in your great book." God looks down and then says, "You can sit to my left side."

So, McCain takes his seat and then God asks the same question to Hillary, "Do you think you deserve to be in heaven?" Hillary thinks for a second and then replies, "I think so because I have been fighting for the rights of so many people for so long." God again looks down and this time says, "You can sit to my right side."

Finally God turns to Barack Obama and asks, "Do you think you deserve to be in heaven?"
Obama smiled and replied, "I think you're in my seat."

ego | god | hillary clinton | joke
Tuesday, 29 December 2009 07:06:19 (Central Standard Time, UTC-06:00)  #    Disclaimer  |  Comments [0]  | 
# Monday, 21 December 2009

Subject: FW: Sign in Restroom

Sign in Restroom.

 
In the washroom in the airport I saw a handwritten sign  posted over one of those  


Hot air hand dryers that read:
Please push button
 and listen For a short message From the President!"

There's nothing like "hot air" and the smell of Fresh crap to give you that true Obama presence!!!!

Monday, 21 December 2009 09:21:44 (Central Standard Time, UTC-06:00)  #    Disclaimer  |  Comments [0]  | 
# Friday, 18 December 2009

Subject: FW: Daily Chuckle

After the president has been in office for 6 months it is customary for the last president to send a note of congratulations to the new one.

So awhile back when  the note came from Bush to Obama, the president was somewhat troubled because it was written in code and all it said was: 
370H-SSV-0773H
 
This troubled him as he had always heard from his peers how former president Bush was perceived to have been scholarly challenged.
 
So he took the note to his wife. She was unable to decipher it

They called in the VP, and he was unable to decode the message.  They called in the chief of staff and the head of Secret Service detail and they were unable to determine the meaning of the note.

Next he called in the head of the Senate and Speaker of the House. They both were mystified by the meaning of the coded message..
 
Now there was complete panic in the oval office. They called all of their contacts in the media and sent copies of the note to all of them, and not one was able to come up with an answer 

A special emergency meeting was called by the staff. All branches of the military, counter intelligence, CIA, FBI were called in, and the best minds were unable crack the code

After a sleepless night, a now humbled President picked up the phone and called the former president, and asked him the meaning of the note.
 
Bush  chuckled and replied:
Dude ............You're holding it upside down

OK...for you visually challenged....here it is:
HELLO ASS HOLE

Friday, 18 December 2009 06:40:57 (Central Standard Time, UTC-06:00)  #    Disclaimer  |  Comments [0]  | 
# Saturday, 12 December 2009

Subject: FW: FREE - 4 TICKETS

If anyone wants them I have four extra tickets for the Robbie Knievel (son of Evil Knievel)  Event at the Ford Center  in Beaumont, Texas next weekend.


Robbie will attempt to jump over 1,000 Obama supporters with a Caterpillar D-9 bulldozer.

Should be a historic event.

Saturday, 12 December 2009 08:21:08 (Central Standard Time, UTC-06:00)  #    Disclaimer  |  Comments [0]  | 
# Thursday, 10 December 2009

Subject: FW: Good One

George Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell. While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for. The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.

Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he was finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check..

Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When she was finished the devil informs her that cost is 6 million dollars, so Queen Elizabeth writes him a check.

Finally George Bush gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he was finished the devil informed him that there would be no charge for the call and feel free to call the USA anytime.

When Putin hears this he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Bush got to call the USA free. The devil replied, ¨Since Obama became president of the USA , the country has gone to hell, so it's a local call..

Thursday, 10 December 2009 07:20:16 (Central Standard Time, UTC-06:00)  #    Disclaimer  |  Comments [0]  | 

Subject: FW: Montana Bear Tragedy

This is such a tragedy to see what they have done to our country's wildlife!

Montana Bear Photo.

The photo below captures a disturbing trend that is beginning to affect US wildlife....

Animals that were formerly self-sufficient are now showing signs of belonging to the Liberal Party... as they have apparently learned to just sit and wait for the government to step in and provide for their care and sustenance. This photo is of a Liberal black bear in Montana nicknamed ....
Bearack Obearma

Thursday, 10 December 2009 07:16:24 (Central Standard Time, UTC-06:00)  #    Disclaimer  |  Comments [0]  | 
# Tuesday, 08 December 2009

Subject: FW: Three New Navy Ships

USS REAGAN
Seeing it next to the Arizona Memorial really puts its size into perspective... ENORMOUS!

When the Bridge pipes ' Man the Rail' there is a lot of rail to man on this monster: shoulder to shoulder, around 4.5 acres. Her displacement is about 100,000 tons with full complement.

Capability
Top speed exceeds 30 knots, powered by two nuclear reactors that can operate for more than 20 years without refueling

1. Expected to operate in the fleet for about 50 years
2. Carries over 80 combat aircraft
3. Three arresting cables can stop a 28-ton aircraft going 150 miles per hour in less than 400 feet

Size
1. Towers 20 stories above the waterline
2. 1092 feet long; nearly as long as the Empire State Building is tall
3. Flight deck covers 4.5 acres
4. 4 bronze propellers, each 21 feet across, weighing 66,200 pounds
5. 2 rudders, each 29 by 22 feet and weighing 50 tons
6. 4 high speed aircraft elevators, each over 4,000 square feet

Capacity
1. Home to about 6,000 Navy personnel
2. Carries enough food and supplies to operate for 90 days
3. 18,150 meals served daily
4. Distillation plants provide 400,000 gallons of fresh water from sea water daily, enough for 2,000 homes esmes
5. Nearly 30,000 light fixtures and 1,325 miles of cable and wiring 1,400 telephones
6. 14,000 pillowcases and 28,000 sheets

USS BILL CLINTON
The USS William Jefferson Clinton (CVS1) set sail today from its home port of Vancouver , BC

The ship is the first of its kind in the Navy and is a standing legacy to President Bill Clinton 'for his foresight in military budget cuts' and his conduct while holding the (formerly dignified) office of President.

The ship is constructed nearly entirely from recycled aluminum and is completely solar powered with a top speed of 5 knots. It boasts an arsenal comprised of one (unarmed) F14 Tomcat or one (unarmed) F18 Hornet aircraft which, although they cannot be launched on the 100 foot flight deck, form a very menacing presence.

As a standing order there are no firearms allowed on board.

This crew, like the crew aboard the USS Jimmy Carter, is specially trained to avoid conflicts and appease any and all enemies of the United States at all costs.

An onboard Type One DNC Universal Translator can send out messages of apology in any language to anyone who may find America offensive. The number of apologies are limitless and though some may seem hollow and disingenuous, the Navy advises all apologies will sound very sincere.

In times of conflict, the USS Clinton has orders to seek refuge in Canada.


USS BARACK OBAMA
Details are as vague.
But don't you worry..........he has a plan

Tuesday, 08 December 2009 06:52:56 (Central Standard Time, UTC-06:00)  #    Disclaimer  |  Comments [0]  | 
# Wednesday, 02 December 2009

Subject: FW: Parallels Between Honest Abe & BHO

Parallels of Abraham Lincoln and B. H. Obama:

1. Lincoln placed his hand on the Bible for his inauguration. Obama used the same Bible.

2. Lincoln came from Illinois . Obama comes from Illinois .

3. Lincoln served in the Illinois Legislature. Obama served in the Illinois Legislature.

4. Lincoln had very little experience before becoming President. Obama had very little experience before becoming President.

5. Lincoln rode the train from Philly to Washington for his inauguration.  Obama rode  the train from Philly to Washington for his inauguration.

6. Lincoln was a skinny lawyer.  Obama is a skinny lawyer.

7. Lincoln was a Republican.  Obama is a skinny lawyer.

8. Lincoln was highly respected.  Obama is a skinny lawyer.

9. Lincoln was born in the United States.  Obama is a skinny lawyer.

10. Lincoln was honest, so honest he was called Honest Abe.  Obama is a skinny lawyer.

Wednesday, 02 December 2009 06:52:06 (Central Standard Time, UTC-06:00)  #    Disclaimer  |  Comments [0]  | 

Subject: FW: Walking Eagle

President BARACK OBAMA was invited to address a major gathering of the American Indian Nation two weeks ago in upstate New York . He spoke for almost an hour about his plans for increasing every Native American’s present standard of living. He referred to his time as a U.S. Senator and how he had voted for every Native American issue that came to the floor of the Senate. Although President Obama was vague about the details of his plans, he seemed most enthusiastic and spoke eloquently about his ideas for helping his “red sisters and brothers.”

 At the conclusion of his speech, the Tribes presented Obama with a plaque inscribed with his new Indian name, “Walking Eagle.” The proud President then departed in his motorcade to a fundraiser, waving to the crowds.

 A news reporter later asked the group of chiefs how they came to select the new name they had given to the President.

 They explained that “Walking Eagle” is the name given to a bird so full of shit it can no longer fly.

Wednesday, 02 December 2009 06:49:54 (Central Standard Time, UTC-06:00)  #    Disclaimer  |  Comments [0]  | 
# Friday, 20 November 2009

A few conservative jokes.

The liberals are asking us to give Obama time.
We agree and think 25 to life would be appropriate

**********************
America needs Obamacare like Nancy Pelosi needs a Halloween mask.

**********************
Q: Have you heard about McDonalds new Obama Value Meal?

A: Order anything you like and the guy behind you has to pay for it.

**********************
Q: What does Barack Obama call lunch with a convicted felon?
            
A: A fund raiser.

**********************
Q:  What's the difference between Obama's cabinet and a penitentiary?

A: One is filled with tax evaders, blackmailers and threats to society.
The other is for housing prisoners.

**********************
If  Nancy Pelosi and Obama were on a boat in the middle of the ocean
 and
It started to sink, who would be saved? ....

America!

**********************
Q:  What's the difference between Obama and his dog, Bo?

A: Bo has  papers.

birth | joke | obamacare | pelosi | socialist
Friday, 20 November 2009 19:02:31 (Central Standard Time, UTC-06:00)  #    Disclaimer  |  Comments [0]  | 
# Thursday, 19 November 2009

Subject: FW: You gotta love Maxine

You gotta love this girl..

Maxine On Obama.... 

 

It seems that once again,

 all us white folks have missed

a great opportunity.


While all the black people attended

 Obama's inauguration and parades,

we should have broken into their homes

and gotten all our shit back.  

Thursday, 19 November 2009 16:45:16 (Central Standard Time, UTC-06:00)  #    Disclaimer  |  Comments [0]  | 

Subject: FW: A prayer for our President

(You all know me....I had to go Google Psalm 109.8 to confirm that this is accurate........I may become a fan of bumper stickers)

From a friend:

We were in Pigeon Forge over the week end.  We left to come home on Sunday.  Traffic was moving slowly and a car in front of us had an Obama bumper sticker on it.  It read:  "Pray for Obama.  Psalm 109:8".  

Mike's Bible was lying on the dash board so he opened it up to the scripture and read it.  He started laughing and couldn't quit.  Then he read it to me.  I couldn't believe what it said.  I had a good laugh too.

     Psalm 109:8

    "Let his days be few; and let another take his office." 
 

 

I predict future happiness for Americans if they can prevent the government from wasting the labours of the people under the pretence of taking care of them.    
                                                                                         -- Thomas Jefferson

Thursday, 19 November 2009 07:06:38 (Central Standard Time, UTC-06:00)  #    Disclaimer  |  Comments [0]  | 
# Tuesday, 17 November 2009

Subject: FW: Dear Mr. Grim Reaper

Dear Mr. Grim Reaper,

So far this year you have taken away

my personal favorite dancer and entertainer Michael Jackson,

A favorite actor Patrick Swayze,

and favorite actress Farrah Fawcett

and my favorite singer Stephen Gatelly Boyzone

Just so you know,

my favorite politician is Barack Obama.

Thank you

Tuesday, 17 November 2009 19:52:30 (Central Standard Time, UTC-06:00)  #    Disclaimer  |  Comments [0]  | 
# Thursday, 12 November 2009

Subject: FW: Heisman Trophy Winner Announced

By John Jones

ASSOCIATED PRESS, Washington, D.C. 

 – President Barak Obama has won the Heisman Trophy. 

 Despite the fact that he never played college football, Obama was selected by a group of the nation’s most elite sport writers for his incredible, intended achievement.  In claiming the coveted athletic prize, President Obama said, “I always WANTED to play college football and when I saw myself on the field, I was always in the process of making the most amazing catch as the sport’s best wide receiver so I am honored that the committee has chosen me.” 

 Despite the fact that Obama has been out of college for well over 25 years, the Heisman votes were given to him by the committee because, “Well, we just really like him and even though he smokes, He just seems like a really amazing guy.”  While the other Heisman candidates were stunned, they did agree that the President’s desire to play ball really overshadowed any real accomplishments they had actually made on the nation’s gridirons.

In addition to the fact that President Obama never really played football ever, this award was doubly amazing in that the Heisman Trophy is not usually awarded until much later in the football season.  “It doesn’t really matter,” said Bob Smith fromSports Illustrated.  “When the season begins and ends is really irrelevant to the award.”

Rahm Emmanuel, with tears in his eyes, said, “This means so much to my boss.  I can’t thank those enough for the votes they cast. I will be sure to use this in all our upcoming campaigns.  You have truly given me something to work with and I am so grateful.”

Michelle Obama could not be reached for comment.

 

Thursday, 12 November 2009 22:12:05 (Central Standard Time, UTC-06:00)  #    Disclaimer  |  Comments [0]  | 

Subject: FW: Lemon Pick

A woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed to be far too 
qualified for the job.*

 *The foreman frowned and said, "I have to ask you this; have you had any 
actual experience in picking lemons?"*

 *She replied:  "I've been divorced three times and I voted for Obama."*

 

joke | lemon
Thursday, 12 November 2009 22:08:48 (Central Standard Time, UTC-06:00)  #    Disclaimer  |  Comments [0]  | 

Subject: FW: a laugh

A Little Black Girl
 
A stranger was seated next to a little black girl on the airplane when
the stranger turned to her and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that
flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow
passenger."

The little girl, who had just opened her coloring book, closed it
slowly and said to the stranger, "What would you like to talk about?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "Since you are a Negro, do you
think that So-called President Elect Barack Obama is qualified for the
job?" and he smiles.

"OK", she said. 'That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask
you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same
stuff - grass -. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns
out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do
you suppose that is?"

The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence,
thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, ! I have no idea."
To which the little girl replies,
"Do you really feel qualified to discuss President Barack Obama... when
you don't know shit?"

Thursday, 12 November 2009 12:37:48 (Central Standard Time, UTC-06:00)  #    Disclaimer  |  Comments [0]  | 
# Wednesday, 11 November 2009
Subject: FW: Robot Bartender

 

Guy goes into a bar, theres a robot bartender.

The robot says, "What will you have?" The guy says, "Martini." The

robot brings back the best martini ever and says to the man, "Whats

your IQ?" The guy says, "168". The robot then proceeds to talk about

physics, space exploration and medical technology.

The guy leaves, but he is curious, so he goes back into the bar. The

robot bartender says,"What will you have?" The guy says, "Martini".

Again, the robot makes a great martini, gives it to the man and says,

"Whats your IQ?" The guy says, "100." The robot then starts to talk

about Nascar, Budweiser and John Deere tractors..

The guy leaves, but finds it very interesting, so he thinks he will try

it one more time. He goes back into the bar. The robot says, "What will

you have?" The guy says, "Martini", and the robot brings him another

great martini. The robot then says, "Whats your IQ?" The guy says, "Uh,

about 50." The robot leans in real close and says, "So, you people

still happy you voted for Obama?"

Wednesday, 11 November 2009 12:42:03 (Central Standard Time, UTC-06:00)  #    Disclaimer  |  Comments [0]  |